Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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