By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
