the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
