"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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