I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
