One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
