one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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