remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
