we have pet lesbian snakes
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
apparently the secret to your success is patron
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
