i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
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