Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
