I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I understand Curling. That high.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
