My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
