Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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