I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
