Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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