Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
