I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
