Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
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