i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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