Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
