Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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