Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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