My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
