forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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