Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
im calling her cock vulture from now on
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
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