one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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