Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
