So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
