Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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