I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Randomize
