he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
