i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
