this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
