Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
