guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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