the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
