Nicole vs. Life
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
There are leaves in my underwear?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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