I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
