Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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