No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Come see our sink grown plant.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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