dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Let's paint friendship bongs
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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