I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
