he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
