Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
