You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
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