I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
