How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
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