Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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