Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize