moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
