The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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