I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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