is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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