Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
