Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
