im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
