the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
You can't just leave with hair like that
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
